Quiet Time

9 Nov

Now, my life isn’t only about baby raising, you know. Sometimes, I get a break when my sous chef decides to take a nap. Yes, I said, she decides. We’re trying a new parenting technique around here called “Let your toddler run the show.” It’s a follow-up to our previously proven techniques: “Let your toddler take over your bed: Sleep on the floor” and “Let your toddler eat cookies all day, as long as they’re organic.”

Book details are forthcoming.

Here’s a glimpse into what I do with my precious quiet time.

1. Quick! Take a shower, brush the hair, brush the teeth. When was the last time you did these things? Try not to think about that; you don’t have time. Ignore the voice in your head telling you to put on makeup. Who has time for makeup? She’ll be awake any moment!

2. Blog post. Can’t think of anything to write? Well, then just put some pictures up! After a few years of this, you’ve learned that most people don’t really read the words anyway. A friend (hi!) told me last week that she forwarded one of my posts to her husband to show him the cute video of my sous chef. He tried to click on the still photos posted above the video, thus proving my theory that no one reads the words.

It dawns on you that this post has no pictures. Uh oh.

Quickly scan your computer for a picture of an old sock or something that you can throw in to keep things lively.

Here we go, this should do.

Hang on, Mom, I know there's an old sock in here, somewhere.

3. Clean the house. Throw something, anything, in the washing machine. It doesn’t even matter if it’s laundry. The hum of the machine in the background will make you feel like you’re accomplishing something.

4. Go pee. It’s nice to use the restroom at least once a day without someone standing next to you saying, “Mama, pee-pee bye, bye.”

5. Tea. Guzzle down a cup of tea or three. Throw in some leftover Halloween candy while you’re at it, because it’s there and it’s not going anywhere. Plus, you have no idea when you’ll get another chance to eat. It could be days, days, I tell you.

6. Feed the cat. She’s been gnawing on your big toe for the past three hours. I think she’s trying to tell you something.

7. Hooray! You’ve accomplished so much! It’s time to relax. Take a seat, kick back…and. Wait, do you hear something? Is that a baby crying? No, no, it can’t be, she just went to sleep ten minutes ago. Just rest a few minutes. Everything will be fine.

No, no, you definitely hear something. It sounds vaguely like someone screaming, “Mama, Pee-pee. Poo-poo! POO! POO!”

Where on earth does she learn these things?

“MAAAAA MAAAAAAA!”

And, with that, quiet time is over.

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